New Frontier, Same Old Baggage

Last night I was fortunate enough to watch an entire movie while Mirabel slept on my chest! Motorcycle Diaries was on IFC, and this line struck me -

"What do we leave behind when we cross each frontier? Each moment seems split in two; melancholy for what was left behind and the excitement of entering a new land." -Ernesto Guevara

For obvious reasons, adjusting to being a parent has been on my mind. Being a veteran pessimist, I had prepared myself that it wouldn't be all butterflies and roses; but also I knew I couldn't really prepare myself for how becoming a parent would be for me- that there were going to be challenges, and I'd have to figure my way through once I got there. To my surprise, the challenges were surprisingly familiar. 
I'm now three weeks deep, and I'm not going to lie to you. There were some moments (hours?) when I was saying to myself: Fuck. What have I gotten myself into? What's the return policy on this thing?
There has been a really interesting discussion going on over at Motherlode recently (here and here) about parents who have serious regrets about having children. I was beginning to feel like I belonged in this club.
But then, I got some sleep, I talked with a fellow mamma,  I cried to Ben, I watched this TED video, and I cut myself a little slack. I laid on the floor, took some deep breaths, and thought.
I realized- this isn't about Mirabel. This isn't even really about me 'losing my identity' to become a mother. This is just my same old baggage coming up in a new context.
You know how there is this idea that no matter how long you are married, couples have the same fights over and over? There may be different incantations, but the core disagreement stays the same- its a weak spot in the relationship that needs to be resolved and worked out repeatedly.   I think that may also be true within ourselves- there are traps we fall into over and over, all our lives, no matter how many times we learn the lesson-
And so, for me, the two fights I have with myself over and over, in a multitude of situations, have arrived in the context of my infant daughter. 1. Not feeling 'good enough' in some way and 2. Having unrealistic expectations of the amount I can accomplish in a day (or hour or minute or a week, whatever) and then letting that feed into a greater sense of ineptitude (see #1).
When Mirabel cries and I don't know how to fix it, I feel like I'm failing her as a mother. Then, when she is fussy and refuses to be calmed or rejects the breast, I start feeling like she is rejecting me as a mother because she thinks I suck at this. The jig is up. I'm an imposter and Mirabel would a like a competent caregiver, please. while I'm reading about parents who regret having children, she is also scheming how to get adopted by a new family. (ridiculous and childish, I know)
Also, I find myself frustrated that I can't get everything I'd like to get done in a day- I mean, I'm home ALL day, so I should be able to clean the house, go for a walk, do some homework, respond to emails, go to the grocery store and take care of Mirabel all day- right!? Plus, I'm hardly sleeping so that should increase the productive hours in the day.
I'm not even sure I could have done all that without a baby, so I don't know why I expect it to happen now.
This is just my same old baggage though-  without even realizing it, I've dragged it into my fresh, new relationship with my daughter and I'm letting it sink the ship. Its not Mirabel that is upsetting me, its me.
So, with this new revelation, things are feeling a bit better. Of course, I am not immune to the frustrations of figuring out how to take care of newborn, and I am certainly interested in more sleep...but I'm not fighting the urge to suck down a pack of cigarettes (I quit years ago, but I still want to chain smoke when super-stressed) and start drinking at 10am.
Also, I thought I'd be more upset about losing my independence, but I'm not. I don't really feel like I've lost anything, actually. I feel like my life just got bigger.