Chewing-gum Nipples

Do NOT be fooled by earth mother imagery like this! 

There's an elephant in the room. I'm going to go ahead and call it out:

Breastfeeding is horrible, awful, torture.

Why doesn't anyone tell you this shit? I really thought it was going to be a beautiful, natural experience that gave me some sort of deep maternal satisfaction.

In reality, it is painful and difficult and it does NOT come naturally to infant and mother. It is not uncommon for us both to end up in tears, making me feel like the world's worst mother and leaving my baby frustrated and fussy.

And while Mirabel doesn't have visible teeth yet (being only three weeks old),  I can assure you, she's got some choppers under those gums. I know because I can feel them when she chomps on my nipple like its big league chew while desperately trying to figure out how to get the milk out. And let me be clear: she may be young, but she has some serious jaw strength. When I say chew, I don't mean a gentle, cooing baby pinch. I mean she c-clamps on my tit like she may have a future as a dominatrix sort of grip. I never thought I'd be so terrified of a baby.

I suppose a major mistake we've made is that we are also bottle feeding. Apparently this leads to 'nipple confusion.' Yes, that is a real thing.

But if we don't use bottles, Ben will never be able to feed her 1) missing out on valuable bonding and care-taking time and 2) putting an awful lot of pressure on me. This means I would never be able to be separated from her for more than two hours. This may work for some, but I don't see it working for us.
Also, I know this isn't a problem for everyone; but jeez, did my boobs really need to get bigger!? It was already hard enough to find a supportive bra, let alone a supportive nursing bra.

But the research is pretty convincing. Breastfeeding is way better for your kid. Also, its free, which is my favorite amount of money to pay for things. Sooooooooo I will keep trying. For now.