The Miscarriage Chant

I'm so nervous about miscarriage. I compulsively search the internet for miscarriage statistics, but it never makes me feel any better (obviously). I'm obsessing- miscarriage, miscarriage, miscarriage....it's always in my head. A haunted chant behind every breath.

Worse, I get anxiety about my anxiety--meta anxiety. What if those people who believe in "The Secret" are right, and you can bring positive things into your life by really believing it- then if I do miscarry, maybe I brought it onto myself, by chanting it into reality?

In an effort to feel better, I searched for an inspirational quote:

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do." -Eleanor Roosevelt

How do I look fear in the face? How do I be courageous? Yes, I am pregnant again, and I do believe that "I can take the next thing that comes along"(Is there really much choice?)...but I'm wearing down.

And I'm certainly not courageous enough to fully accept the reality of this pregnancy- to believe in it or to be excited. And I'm definitely not telling anyone about it.**

I'm not courageous enough to be as vulnerable as the first loss, or even muster the bittersweet, tentative optimism of the second. I will not be blind-sided once again. I sleep with one eye opened, finger on the trigger. Oh you ill-willed fate! You thought you could surprise me! Thought you could just swipe the rug from under me again! Well, nice try fate, no such luck. I didn't even believe I was pregnant! I knew you were coming! I knew you'd take it away! I will not trust good fortune only to be made its cuckold again!

I'm the humbled serf to Queen Fate. I'm abundantly grateful if she gives me cake, but I dare not ask for it. I know my place.

These are the times when being religious is helpful. If I believed that Christ was my personal savior, he might be willing to help me out with this, but...I don't. So, I'd better not ask him for help. I feel very certain that if there is a god it would inappropriate and selfish to ask for help with my petty needs...surely he has better things to do. So I won't ask him either.

Buddha would tell me that the cause of my suffering is my desire to control the outcome of this situation. He's right, but I'm not interested in rationalism right now. I want comfort. I want paternal protection, I want a guarantee. I guess right now I'll look for comfort from another omniscient, omnipresent entity: the internet.

** postscript: clearly, publishing this on the internet is a way of 'telling people;' however, I didn't publish this post until several months later.